CELEBRITY ACCOUNTS
This short was the result of a dream I had while vacationing in San Diego. I woke up at about 3AM, laughed, and then decided to get as much of the dream down as I could. I scribbled it out in the dark then touched it up the next day. None of the events actually happened. 
So one day in San Diego, we're out walking, right. It's like early afternoon and we're wasted out of our minds. What can I say...we got an early start. Besides...we're on vacation, so who cares. You know?

Anyway, we come to this intersection, right. Traffic's whizzing by like crazy, but Tony's gotta go to the bathroom, like bad. So we cross the street, real quick like. Hell...I run across, right. Cuz I'm scared, man. There's a lot of traffic going by, you know?

So I get to the other side and there's this bank, right. One of those big ones. The kind celebrities bank at, you know? So I immediately start scrambling up the front stairs. And I'm like barely making it, right. Cuz I'm blown out of mind, you know?

I finally make it up, walk into the lobby, and immediately...people are looking at me. They all got that look like, "You don't belong here, do you, sir?" So I'm getting worried, right. I gotta get out this lobby, but I'm so freaked out I can't remember why I'm here in the first place, right.

So I start walking up the stairs. And I'm like, damn, man...more stairs? I swear there's like fifty of 'em this time. But I gotta get out this lobby, so I keep going, barely. I mean...I'm like wasted, you know? I starting thinking...if I make it to the top, it'll be a miracle, but hell...at least I'm not in the lobby anymore, right.

But now there's this guy in front of me. He keeps looking back at me over his shoulder and I start feeling like I'm back in the lobby, and that ain't good, you know. So I says, "Hey man, celebrity accounts are upstairs, right?" And get this...

He smiles and shakes his head, and then starts getting all giddy and stuff. It's like one in a million odds, right? I mean, not only am I right, but this guy believes me. I'm like...holy crap! Cuz, remember...I'm blown out my mind, you know.

So I decide to run with it, right. I see this other guy ahead of us, coming down the stairs on the left side. He looks all important and all, and just like in the lobby...he's looking at me too now, right. So I says, "Hey man!" Looked him dead in his eye, you know? I says, "Hey man! How you been?"

He looks at me like I'm nuts, right. Like... "who the hell are you?" I mean he didn't actually say it, but you can see it on his face, you know? Well at least I can. Cuz, Mr. Giddy in front of me can't see his face, he's thinking we're old friends, you know. In fact, I must have picked the right guy to speak to, cuz, I swear Giddy's getting even giddier. Again...what are the odds?

So me and Giddy keep going up. I'm not even thinking about the lobby anymore. We're about halfway up and hell...I'm actually starting to think I might make it, you know? But there's like at least fifty more stairs to go. So I says to Giddy — just to keep it going, right — I says, "Look at me. I mean damn, man...they'll let you dress however you want when you're rich, right?"

And again...he starts smiling and shaking his head, right. He's eating it up, or so I think. Cuz right then I hear this voice behind me and I'm thinking, "Hey...I know that guy." So I turn around, and what the hell? It's Tony! HA...that's how wasted I am, right? I hadn't thought about him, since we crossed the street. I mean...Jesus! He could have got hit by a car or something, you know? Some friend I am, huh?

So anyway, he's like right behind me, no more than two stairs, and he's got this guy, right. This big guy. Must've been the frickin' bank manager or something, you know? And Tony's got his arm around him, right. The big guy's looking really nervous...or maybe he was just pissed off. I don't know. Cuz remember, Tony's just as wasted as I am, right.

So Giddy and I keep walking up, but now I can hear Tony talking, right. He says to the big guy, "Look, Jim. What you need is marketing. Some solid brand marketing. It'll help you sell anything. Trust me!"

And that's when it hits me...

Snap! Just like that. Giddy wasn't getting giddy over me. He was looking behind me the whole time, at Tony and the big guy. Hell...he was probably wonderin', "Who-the-hell are these guys?" You know? Ha!

Man...I start cracking up, right. I don't know what's funnier. The look on the big guy's face, or the fact that Tony was giving him a marketing pitch. I mean...he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to be talking strategy, you know? Besides...come on, man...we're on vacation. You gotta let that stuff go sometimes. You know? It'll eat you up.

So anyway, I'm cracking up, right. I'm laughing so hard I finally lose my balance and down I go. Bam, and all the way to the bottom. A hundred and fifty stairs, just like that. But I'm thinking quick, right. Cuz I don't want people to start looking again or nothin'.

So I jump up like nothin' happened, but guess what? I'm back in the damn lobby again...Jesus! Now I swear...I got up pretty quick, right. But it ain't good enough. Cuz now they're all looking.

Whatever.

I just gotta get out of this lobby, right.

So I look up the stairs and see Tony and Big Jim, looking down like, "What the hell, man?"

I mean...can you believe those guys? Like I did it on purpose or something, right. I mean really? Who the hell  does something like that in jest, you know? I may have been wasted, but come on, man. I just fell down like...two hundred stairs, right. I could have killed myself. How about showing a little sympathy, some concern or something. You know? Jesus!

But hey, now that I'm thinking about it? I guess it was only fair. I mean...I did forget about Tony when we crossed the street and all. He could've got hit, you know? That would have been way worse than falling down some stairs, right. Yeah...he's still a good guy. Big Jim on the other hand...I don't know what his problem was. But like I said...Tony was pretty wasted. He could have said anything to put the big guy in a mood. You know?

So wait...where was...oh yeah, never mind.

So anyway...at the time, I didn't really care too much for them looking down on me, you know? Ha! And if that ain't literal, I don't know what is, right. You know...they're at the top, I'm at the bottom? Ha!

Anyway, I wave 'em on...like, "I'll catch up, man." Cuz I got other things to worry about now, right. I mean, I'm back in this lobby; people are looking; and I got like two hundred and fifty stairs to climb...again. I'm freaking out, right. Cuz I'm like...I don't know if I can do this, man. I'm like blown out of mind, remember? But that lobby was just bad news, I tell ya. The people down there were frickin' nuts. I had to get out. You know?

So I brush myself off and get ready to tackle this mountain of stairs, right. When all of a sudden, this guy turns the corner. He's headed up too, but he's one of those lobby types, so he stops and looks at me like I'm all crazy and all, right. He says, "You alright, sir?" And that's when I start to panic.

I mean... I'm ready to bolt for the door...right back across the street. Where it's safe, you know.

But this time I remember about Tony...which was pretty damn amazing I say. Cuz I'm totally wasted, and creeped out and all, but I didn't forget this time. That's an achievement. You know? I mean...not only did I remember he was upstairs, I also remembered what he said. You know...about marketing and all. Good, solid brand marketing, right. And that's when it hits me...

All I gotta do is work my brand. But I gotta be more confident this time, cuz I'm running solo, right. No back up. Tony and Big Jim are already upstairs. I gotta do it myself this time. You know?

So I suck it up and focus. Just like a laser, right — high beam and all. I look this guy right in his eye and says — real confident like this time — I says, "The celebrity accounts are upstairs, right?

And HA! Up we go!

Just like Tony said. It'll sell anything.

I just wish Giddy could have seen that one. Don't know where he went, but he didn't even say goodbye. Can you believe that, guy? What a moron, right? He actually thought I was a celebrity.

Man I tell ya... I won't ever forget that day. No way.

I'll remember that day forever, right. Down to the last detail.

You know?

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